Anarchy at Christmas

By Ian Hunter

            The first advert appeared on our screens on Christmas day and was estimated to have gathered a viewing figure of over 20 million, which had little to do with the advert itself, but because it appeared during King Charles' speech. There he was, droning on about global warming and the loss of sites of special scientific interest, when suddenly, we were in an alley following a man with a pit bull terrier. Millions of people must have said, "What is this?" and picked up their remote controls, only to find the same scene on every channel.

            There was the sound of footsteps running alongside the camera, and a voice.

            "Hey, didn't I see you dealing at the primary school last week?"

            "Fuck off," the man snarled.

            "How many kids have you got hooked?"

            "Satan," was all the command needed to start the dog growling.

            "Okay, okay," muttered the off-screen voice.

            Dog and owner continued walking and there was little noise until the roar of a vehicle, and the screech of breaks. Then another roar, not of a machine, but a wild beast. The king of the jungle. Two kings - stolen from a Safari park several weeks earlier - loping down the alley.

            The drug dealer turned and the camera zoomed in, catching a fleeting instant of bewilderment on the man's face, then sheer terror as the lion's bounds ate up the distance between them, before eating the owner. The pit bull terrier was made of sterner stuff, but the other lion still triumphed in the end. The camera watched as three men wearing stockings over their heads walked towards the feeding lions, and bent down to touch a bloody severed limb. They raised their hands and smeared blood across the part of the stocking that covered their mouths.

            "Don't sell drugs to children," said one.

            "Or anyone else," said another, while the third held a card with four words on it towards the camera.

AN ANARCHIC ADVERTS PRESENTATION

            Static crashed across the screen and the nation was back with the King.

***

            The second advert appeared during a late night showing of the film "Mission Impossible 5", towards the end when Tom Cruise is fighting his clone on the roof of a cable-car. The advert opened with a long-shot of a golf club out in the country side, windows blazing with lights and decorations. A man staggered through the front door, down some steps and headed towards his car. He got in, and drove off, without switching on his headlights until he was flashed by several cars going in the opposite direction.

            The camera followed.

            "He's drunk," said an off-screen voice. "Look at him weave across the road."

            The camera and the car moved closer, then were alongside. The drunk driver looked over, clearly worried, perhaps thinking it was the police, not realising it was something far worse. Suddenly the car swerved, forcing the drunk's car off the road and into a hedge.

            He climbed out, eventually, huffing and puffing as he grabbed the doorframe and heaved himself out.

            "What do you think you're doing?"

            "Shut up. Drunk."

            "You shut up, you're not the police."

            Two figures moved forward, wearing clown masks and pinned the drunk to his car.

            "Have a drink on us," said the third clown, stepping forward to pour something from a plastic container over the man's head.

            The drunk pulled free, coughing and spluttering. Before he could do anything else a cigarette lighter was held to his clothing. He didn't even have time to scream.

            The camera zoomed in on the writhing figure, and it was at this point that many people switched off, although photographs were produced on the front and centre pages of many Boxing Day edition's of the nation's tabloids.

            "Drinking and driving kills," said a clown.

            "So don't do it," said another.

            "Thank you for watching," said the third, holding up a card.

AN ANARCHIC ADVERTS PRESENTATION

            The picture returned to "Mission Impossible 5" in time for the closing credits and Moby's revamping of the Mission Impossible theme tune.

            The BBC received over six hundred thousand complaints.

***

            The third advert interrupted a Boxing Day broadcast of "Robin Hood, King of Thieves".

            It began with a man walking along the bank of a river, weaving his way past bushes and trees, while swinging a plastic carrier bag at his side.

            Something was moving inside the bag.

            He stopped.

            Looking furtively, he tied the plastic handles of the bag together then pulled his arm back, ready to lunch the bag into the river.

            A hand grabbed his shoulder.

            He turned, looking shocked, surprised. He smiled nervously, shuffled on his feet. "Hey, it's Halloween, right?"

            "Wrong," a voice replied.

            Two hands wearing gloves reached out for the carrier bag.

            "I made a mistake," the man said letting go. "It seemed a good idea. The boy wanted one, but it pisses all over the place, and the wife is going crazy."

            The white hands pulled the bag open, revealing a trembling Labrador pup.

            "The boy won't miss it," the man insisted. "He'll get over it. It's only been a-"

            Suddenly two men emerged from the bushes, white bandages wrapped around their heads, parted in slits to reveal their eyes and nostrils. They grabbed the man by the arms. He looked at the man holding the pup, the noticed the camera.

            "Oh, no. Oh, shit! You're them! Help! Help!"

            He was still shouting as a thick, clear polythene bag was placed over his head. Then he went berserk, struggling to get free as a rope was tied around him, pinning his arms to his body. He kept shouting, breath clouding the polythene.

            Gently, with an exaggerated swing of their arms, the swathed men pushed him back into the river. The man disappeared under the water, then reappeared, screaming, features contorted by the plastic.

            A hand held the puppy to the camera, while in the background a sharp corner of polythene slipped beneath the surface for the last time.

            "Look after your pets," said a muffled voice. "At Christmas and all through the year.""

            The camera moved to a tree with a sign on it.

AN ANARCHIC ADVERTS PRESENTATION

            It was rumoured that some people had a heart attack watching this advert.

            Anarchic Adverts have not broadcasted since.

            Success is a tough act to follow.